Thank You, Thank You Very Much

Real Ad:

One of a kind Elvis Portrait... (NKY)

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Date: 2011-08-07, 1:16AM EDT
Reply to: sale-5rtp8-2534102329@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

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i am selling a one of a kind Elvis Presley portrait. it was hand drawn. i am the artist. i put many hours into this piece. i would like to get $50 for it. i sell most of my artwork for $50 to $150. Depending on size an detail an amount of time spent. If you are interested in this piece or getting one made of family or lost loved ones.. feel free to call me or email me. my name is jason. my number is 859-628-7463

• Location: NKY
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 2534102329

What It Should Say:

i am selling a one of a kind Elvis portrait. Surprisingly no one has ever asked the artist to duplicate it. It's so precise that it could easily have been drawn by a machine but it is actually drawn by hand. Please note the very very subtle line work. By the way, I AM THE ARTIST!! Can you believe it? i think that there are too many letters in the word 'and' so from henceforth I'll shorten it. i want $50 which is a steal since i can sell these beauties for up to $150. Of course that depends on the size an detail an amount of time spent. If you don't like Elvis i can draw a picture of your family or dead people. Call me. My Name's Jason but you can call me art school dropout.

Everyone Loves a Happy Ending

Real Ad:

Seeking female volunteers for 2 hour massage (maineville)

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Date: 2011-06-20, 2:11PM EDT
Reply to: comm-weqva-2451713374@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

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I am seeking local female volunteers who want a 2 hour massage. I do all types of massages like shiatsu and deep tissue. Maybe of the massages i do are for athletes who get sore backs and legs. If a 2 hour massage sounds good, no strings attached, and nothing more than just friends and massage, please let me know. Can even trade photos if you are more comfortable. Let me know if youd like to be a volunteer

• Location: maineville
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
• it's OK to distribute this charitable volunteerism opportunity for inclusion in 3rd party web sites that have been approved by craigslist

PostingID: 2451713374

What It Should Say:

I am looking for naive and/or slutty female volunteers for a 2 hour massage. I use the word volunteer because many the judge will drop the rape charges when I say that you volunteered. I tried posting this maybe times for a1 hour massage and nobody responded, so I doubled the massage length. I specialize in deep tissue massage which can sometimes feel like a penis rubbing on you, but I swear it isn't; just keep your eyes closed. So if you're interested in having my hands all over your body for a couple hours just let me know. No funny business, just strictly friends. We should swap pictures, because that's what friends do right? Again, let me stress the fact that you are volunteering for this and therefore can't take me to court.

Actual Ad:

miscellaneous (westwood)

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Got some free stuff...computer moniter, 2 pack n plays and other stuff at 3187 Ferncrest court 2nd floor storage room..DO NOT EMAIL asking if I still have the stuff come and get it...its already been there for a week...

What it really really should say:

Umm...I have some free stuff...computers and other stuff and things...come to 3187 Ferncrest court 2nd floor killspace...umm....i mean storage room...FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT EMAIL ME OR ASK QUESTIONS OF ANY KIND OR TELL PEOPLE WHERE YOU ARE GOING because this stuff is here and not made up at all and you need to come get it...it's already been there for a week...with all the other dead... bodies...

Wooden Mallet of Loneliness

Real Ad:

Wooden Mallet (Cincinnati)

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Free homemade wooden mallet. I built this for demonstrations purposes on wooden mallet construction. I have plenty of these already, so I figured someone else might need one.

Material: Cherry & Walnut
Finishing: Mineral Oil & Beeswax

• Location: Cincinnati
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

What's Really Going On:

Mom threaten to kick me out if I didn't stop building replica WOW weapons. But it doesn't matter since I already have an entire set. So I figured that a fellow noble warrior might need a mallet to help them on their quest. This is a free item.

• Wooden Mallet
• Mace
• Two-Hand
• Speed 2.60
• 10 - 16 Damage
• (5.0 damage per second)
• Durability 40 / 40
• Item Level 9

Live to Ride, Ride to be an Asshole.

The Real Ad:

A-hole (Hattiesburg)

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Hey asshole at the Texaco on Hwy 11: It didn't rain on me nor did I get 'hammered' while riding my motorcycle. Did you ever stop to think how far I was going? Next time don't be such a know-it-all!

What It Should Say:

Hey person making conversation at the Texaco on HWY11: I have issues with anger and letting things go. I ride a motorcycle so you should not be surprised by this. I'm really sticking it to you here in this post that you'll never read. Next time keep your meaningless, and harmless comment about the weather to yourself! I hope you never talk to anyone ever again!

Homeward Bound, The Horrifying Journey

Actual Ad:

i think i found your dog miss (fort wayne mc area)

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yea i think this is your dog . i found him maybe a week ago just call me if this aint your dog dont call my phone. hes a red dog i seen you ad but some reason i cant email you.

The Real Story:

yea i hav you dog, maybe, if you is miss a dog and it the same one that i has for a week. i found it under my truk and it is all red and stuff. it does not smell very good and so you should come git it. but don't come git it if it aint you dog because if it aint yous then you shouldnt have it. i seen you ad with the email on it and i tries to email you the dog but it wouldnt fit into the email machine for some reason.

Ewwww, Gross People

Actual Ad:

Casting Call for freaks, geeks, and oddballs (Downtown Cincy)

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I need REAL PEOPLE. Casting MONDAY and TUESDAY 5/16 and 5/17.
212. E. 14th Street, 45202

Are you chubby? Remember "Stand by Me"?- if so, I want you
Are you skinny, awkward, zitty, odd, not popular in highschool? I want you
You like cats? You own a fat one? I want you
Are you a creeper, have a funny mustache, look interesting in any way- I want you.
Are you a Stepford wife, or interesting looking cookie cutter blonde Female? I want you

Send your picture to me and I'll put you in a time slot. Web video submissions are very welcome as well!

Thanks!!!!!!!

What the Ad should say:

Are you ugly and have no real friends other than your cats? I want you

Come downtown MONDAY for a mass suicide.

In case of rain, suicide will be rescheduled for TUESDAY

Thanks Losers!!!!!!!

I've Got Some Hair and You Got Some Shorts, Lets Trade!

4 realz ad:

hair extensions trade for clothes - $60 (hamersville,oh)

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i have auburn brown hair extensions with two bottles of die to go with it paid over 120 for it i will trade for juniors clothes size 4 to a 7 name brand only like hollister and all that need shorts and tank tops more then ne thing if your interested call or i will just sale them to get the cash

The more likely story:

i have auburn brown (as opposed to auburn blonde) hair extensions with two bottles of die to go with it paid way too much for it my boyfriend keeps ripping them out when we are in the bedroom so i can't wear them ne more i will trade for juniors clothes size 4 to a 7 name brand only like hollister or hollister really i just really love hollister because they have that cool surfer vibe and wearing clothes from there will make people think i'm cool and they'll be all like "damn girl i can't believe you can afford to shop at hollister" and i'll be all like "it ain't no big thang" but really i'll be thinking "haha they think i bought this sweet tank top and shorts but really i just traded some hair extensions on the internet because i'm a smart shopper" oh did i mention that i'd prefer hollister shorts and tank tops more then ne thing did you see what i just did right there instead of spelling 'anything' i just typed 'ne thing' man i am so clever i don't know why i didn't drop out of school earlier anyway just give me a call or else i will just sale them to get cash maybe spend it on a grammer tutor

Boobies at 65 mph!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Actual Ad:

three girls from michigan - m4w - 22 (71 south)

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Date: 2011-05-20, 3:33PM EDT
Reply to:

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driving down 71 south and these saw 3 girls in a ford from michigan and they pulled up next to me and the back window rolled down and the girl flashed me tell me what i was driving in the subject line and hit me up.

What It Should Really Say:

cruising down 71 south in my primer colored civic and these saw 3 girls (no this is not a typo, i'm pretty sure that these girls were in the 3rd saw movie) in a ford pulled up next to me and the girl in the back flashed me and in my extremely delusional mind that can only mean that we are meant to be soul mates i should start a new sentence here but i'm not going to i was going to tell you to give me some facts about me so i know it's actually you but then i realized that i would probably hook up with any girl that responded to this post.

Sounds Like a Good Deal to Me

Actual Ad:

$1 FREE ROOM FOR FEMALE ONLY (SOUTH)

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How are you today? I am a 38yo single blk male seeking a female roommate to share a 2br. 1 bth. apt. with in south Austin. In exchange for free rent you must be able to clean and run a few errands ect. If interested leave message and I will contact you asap.

The Real Story:

Why hello and how are you doing on this wonderful day? I am a responsible 38yo African American male seeking a female room . . . I can’t even keep a straight face while typing this bullshit. I wants some sex, and if you gives it to me I might let you stay at my house. But I’ll probably just give you a boot to the door and some crabs for the road. Leave a message ho and I’ll hit you up asap.

No More Witches for Me

Actual Ad:

charmed box sets - $35 (dryridge)

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HI, UP FOR SALE IS THE TV SERIES CHARMED, I HAVE SEASON- 1, 2, 3, 5 ALL ARE LIKE NEW. WILL TAKE 35.00 FOR ALL OF THEM. IF INTERESTED PLEASE CALL OR TEXT

The Real Story:

HI, I RECENTLY JOINED TEAM EDWARD AND NO LONGER HAVE ANY NEED FOR MY BELOVED CHARMED DVDS. BUT I STILL NEED TO HANG ON TO SEASON 4 BECAUSE THEY SPEND A LOT OF IT TEACHING PAIGE HOW TO USE HER MAGIC AND I WOULD LIKE TO KEEP IT AROUND SO I CAN TEACH MYSELF INCASE THIS WHOLE TWILIGHT FAD DIES OFF. SORRY, I DON’T HAVE SEASONS 6, 7, AND 8 BECAUSE I TOTALLY TRADED THEM FOR SOME SWEET VAMPIRE TEETH AND COLORED CONTACT LENSES. DOLLAR SIGNS ARE A WASTE OF TIME SO JUST GIVE ME 35.00 AND THEY’RE ALL YOURS. IF INTERESTED PLEASE CALL OR TEXT, BECAUSE I LOVE GIVING MY NUMBER OUT TO FANS OF CHARMED OVER THE INTERNET. WHAT'S THIS CAPS LOCK BUTTON ALL ABOUT?

Sober Christian Lifestyle

THE AD:

$450 House to Share (Florence, Kentucky) (map)

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I am looking for a male or female to share my home in Florence, Kentucky. I live a sober christian lifestyle and would like to find a roomate who lives the same. I am renting out part of the lower level of my home. There is one bedroom, bathroom and living room area. There is another furnished spare bedroom on that level if you happen to have visiting children or grandchildren. Nice yard with gazebo and firepit. There is a park directly behind the house with swings and slides. S450. a month includes utilities..

THE REAL STORY:

I am looking for one of God's chosen (please no Muslims, or Jews) to share my home in Florence, Kentucky. I live a dull life where I spend my days putting together Thomas Kinkade puzzles and listening to my extensive collection of "WOW" cds. Even though the lord is always with me I still get lonely and am looking for a roommate to experience God's love with. The lower level of my house has one of each of the following: bedroom, bathroom, and living room. There's no kitchen, but it's ok. Jesus survived 40 days in the desert without food so I'm sure you can too. Remember when I said there was only one bedroom? I may have fibbed a little(don't worry God already forgave me). Actually, there is a whole second bedroom on that level that guests can stay in and by guest I mean only children or grandchildren. Parents coming to town? Tell ‘em to get a hotel. Friends coming over? Due to our zero alcohol policy they'll always be sober enough to drive home. There's a fire pit outside that you can use anytime you sin and need a reminder of what Hell will be like. Also, there is a park behind our house with not only swings but. . . . SLIDES!!!!!!!!! Hallelujah, swings and slides in one convenient location. Truly God is great! $450 a month includes eternal salvation.